time for change
how looking back can influence the way forward
During the month of the January, I spent most of my time reflecting on 2025.
The year felt like a big ball of sand paper brushed up against my face and I just couldn’t stop the stinging. I experienced change after change after change. The collective newness in my career and home life impacted me more than I ever thought it would. I gained 41 pounds, I lost close friends and my car, I reevaluated my career (three times) and restarted therapy.
But in my training as a writer, I’m accustomed to finding a common theme in stories. And in this story, the theme is God is here.
While I scrolled through my phone of pictures from 2024 and 2025, I observed my demeanor, my smile, my body language. What I saw was distance: I’m so far from the woman I was one year ago, for better or worse. While I have no regrets, I know that change is inevitable. And sometimes it comes all at once.
During my month of reflection, I observed (intricately) that seasons change like every three months (who knew)! During autumn, leaves die because their environment can no longer sustain them. And a few days later, a fresh set of leaves, flowers bud and bloom. It’s a thoughtful, built in survival tactic which is fascinating yet telling. So I wondered, in my own cycle of life, why would I not go through some sort of dying and blooming? Something in me had to disrupt (erupt) if I were to get to a greater, better, healthier version of myself (which I’m still discovering).
The disruption was so great, though. As a planner girlie, I like things to be predictable. Excel spreedsheets and color coordinated stickers are this girl’s best friend. Yet I couldn’t hold a schedule to 2025. It chose to hurl and heave at its own pace which left my mental health at unease.
As I reflected on things that I’m grateful for in 2025, one big, blaring Hallelujah was - I did not lose my mind!
In the midst of all my losing, God spared my mental health, my mental clarity and fortitude.
It would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I reached out for help, for prayer from people who know me well. That is not to say that all 365 days of 2025, I believed that God was here. Fear, doubt, frustration, and confusion set in. Brain fog and silence filled my prayer time. And some days felt like God wasn’t here.
The contradiction here is one of God’s names is Emmanuel, literally meaning, God with us. And, friend, I’m so grateful. The implications of this is that God is near, not afar off as a silent bystander, not unmoved by my situation or lackadaisical in his love toward me.
But he is right here, rooting me on, holding my hand, bottling up my tears. God is eternally invested my success so much so that he gave up his life so that I could live this wonderfully, difficult and triumphant life I now lead.
Keep being honest,
Shanisha.