Let’s just get right into it…
Because I haven’t had sex, most assume that I don’t have any sexual urges, desires or get aroused… (rolls eyes).
Honestly, it’s demeaning and belittles my humanity, the way God created me, i.e. all of us.
Ever curious, I wanted to know what God has to say about pleasure.
So I checked out a few books from my seminary’s library on this topic. (You wouldn’t believe the looks I got from my classmates. I’ll write a post about this later). Books I’m reading and some links below:
Song of Love, A Biblical Understanding of Sex
Prostitutes and Polygamists, David T. Lamb
Till the Heart Sings, A Biblical Theology of Manhood and Womanhood, Samuel Terrien
But She Said: Feminist Practices of Biblical Interpretation, Elisabeth Schüssler Fiorenza
Sex and Love in the Bible, William Graham Cole
**tbh, I’ve only read the first two therefore, I can’t give you an accurate review of the rest. The first two were honest, insightful and objective.
Sketch characters fill up the pages of scripture. Those who don’t live up to Christ’s standard on marriage, sex and relationships drench the narrative (esp the OT). Therefore, I wanted to take an honest look at the text and infer for myself.
Because God created sex, surely, he has some thoughts on the idea (his idea!) Which all led me to a conversation around the topic of lust, sex and M.
Masturbation, at its core, is simply an outcry for comfort or joy, not necessarily companionship. Like any vice, it replaces the hard work of addressing the root, the thing that drives us to do xyz, and masks it. While we may reach a point of momentary ecstasy, we are left with the same issues, trauma, life style after the act is done. And, many times, shame follows.
I won’t get into if masturbation is “permissible” or not in marriage. But I’ll say that I don’t want anything - p**rn, toys, or my own extremities - to get in the way of my sexual relationship with my future husband. Everything I do now influences my future.
Expecting my husband to create in me the same feeling I experienced through masturbation is unrealistic and unfair. In any relationship, you have to learn a person. I cannot perform like a p**rn star (at least not yet) and I shouldn’t expect my husband to perform like a toy. It’s all just a convoluted pathway to an unsatisfied sex life and marriage.
It is equally unfair and demeaning to say that a woman who’s a virgin doesn’t/can’t have any sexual or hormonal urges i.e. horny. These are natural occurrences and, depending on that-time-of-the-month, it’s almost unbearable (sis!).
In fact, I’m learning to accept it as a reminder that my body works as designed. I am a functioning human being with very real temptations and desires. Because I want to be married (make it quick Jesus!), I don’t shame myself for having God-given emotions.
In church culture, particularly for women and girls, we have been shamed for even mentioning sex. Its viewed as “not-lady-like” or a sin. While men and boys are usually free to live out their sexual desires with little to no correction or guidance, as if men don’t need to practice purity as well (if not, more).
While I do not know what it’s like to have sex and then ween myself off of that drug, I do know what it’s like to have had something then have it taken away.
I can’t compare my experience to a woman whose had sex and now is pursuing purity. I don’t know if our moments of temptation are equally as hard. But I do know self-control which is a fruit of the spirit. I know what it takes to die to my flesh daily. Not easy, but not impossible.
That being said, I know a great deal about my body, my hormones and how it all functions. And I didn’t have to sin in order to do it (read it again). In fact, through some wise counsel, I had to force my PCP to give me a Papanicolaou test. Because I’ve never been sexually active, she suggested I shouldn’t.
There are some women who encourage self-exploration, body positivity and, of course, masturbation through adult toys. These could all lead to sin, and I’m not about that sin life. Because we are trained through social media, entertainment or our friends that any mention of sex or body parts (basic anatomy) is bad or, at least, taboo (esp in the church), women are left to avoid their bodies altogether or leave the “discovery” to their husbands once married (which leads me to a plethora of questions about women who never marry or have children, etc).
I’ve experienced a form of this myself. It’s weird and is a disservice to women who want to learn about themselves but have no one to talk to about it, save for miseducated friends and social media.
It is possible to have healthy conversations about sex that don’t lead to actually having it, or being tempted to the think about it (purity is thought life, not just actions).
I know sex will be a part of my future marriage, but it won’t be the only part. My prayer lately has been for God to give me a healthy view of marriage. I think us single women can emphasize one part over the other, but I’m not gone be on my back the entire time (or whatever position… you get the picture).
Eventually, I’m going to have to communicate with this man (confident communication starts within).
Let’s practice having a well-rounded view of marriage, don’t throw away your questions or assume God doesn’t care. My journey started with honest prayers. Like, be fr with God, he already knows how we feel anyway.
& if you’re interested in some resources for your journey, here are some links:
Covenant Eyes - freedom from p**rn app
WTP Podcasts - girl, watch them all
Relationships: A Mess Worth Making - book on managing healthy relationships
Rethinking Sexuality - Juli is like one of bff (in my mind ofc), this book helped me early on in my journey as a virgin